January 1, 2012 By lisa
As I contemplate what I want to write in this little ole space, I let out the biggest sigh e-v-e-r.
As for many, 2011 has been a rough, stressful year for me. I don’t want to go on and on about it, but let’s just say that I let the continued, ongoing, varied stresses get to me a lot- physically, mentally and spiritually.
I’m not sure how much I weigh, I will weigh tomorrow morning. I estimate that I am somewhere between 170-173 lbs, which is only 5lbs up from where I was a year ago (not bad, huh?!). My jeans with spandex (love spandex) still fit although those pants with no spandex do fill a little snug.
My husband has noticed my lack of positivity and optimism during this year of change and commented once- you just don’t seem happy (like I normally do). He’s right. While I have maintained my fitness- completing a 10K race, a half marathon and a duathlon (run-bike-run)- I have not gone the distance, I have not given my all to my fitness. While in my head, I understand I was not in the right place mentally to do those bigger/grander things physically, my heart is still somewhat disappointed.
I regularly prayed for patience and grace and strength to weather the many things thrown our way this year.
I am still praying.
I know I need to cut myself some slack and focus on the bigger picture. I am working very hard on this. I want to cut the crap and get down to business. I am a big girl. I make choices every day. I know the consequences of those choices. It’s time to big put on my big girl panties ( he he) and just do what I know I need to do.
The lowest weight I have been during this long journey of mine was 161.8 (back in November 2010).
My goal for 2012 (not just this challenge) is to get to 160 and to MAINTAIN the mother-effing weight. I am 5’6″ for those wondering.
I turn 40 years old in May and as I grow older (good GAWD, the years are flying by), I am becoming more accepting and loving of this body I have. I want to treat it right- it’s the only one I have. I want my children to have positive body image and self-esteem. I want to model for them- eating right, exercising regularly, making goals and achieving those goals. I want to forgive myself for my shortcomings and instead of dwelling on what is not, focus on the positive and what I can do. I want to believe wholeheartedly in myself, in all things I do- physically, mentally and spiritually. I want the same for them, too.
I want to live in the present. I want to spend less time online and more engaged in living life. Yes, I have a life online but I have an even bigger life offline.
I feel like I have this inner beauty that shines sometimes but really, it’s there all the time. Optimism, love, kindness, joy, grace, support, motivation. I give all of these things to ya’ll, my sisters, my runner friends, my tweeps, my FB friends……now, I need to give it to myself and let that inner beauty shine- ALL OF THE TIME.
I am a rambler. I am sure I have rambled way too much here. I am pretty sure I didn’t follow the rules of this challenge/post but oh well. Ya’ll will keep reading, right?