August 30, 2009 By april
I’ve thought a lot about my weight and weight loss here in the past few weeks. My body feels healthy right now. After losing 62 pounds, it is screaming at me that “it’s good.” And honestly, I’ve needed a break.
I knew this was coming. It happens every year around this time. So, I’ve been thinking…maybe my body is right this time. Maybe it really is good.
Then I think, HELL NO. It’s getting healthy, but I WANT to lose the last 14lbs. And I refuse to accept anything less.
So. I am joining the Shrink For Good challenge! And not only am I going to shrink, I’m going to give back to my community…and I may even challenge my friends and family to do the same!
Starting weight: 144.6
August 18, 2009 By april
I originally posted this on my personal blog back in March, and I thought I’d share with with you here. I still feel the same way now about my scars as I did then. Just an FYI got back to my regular work out today, it felt good!
So, anyway, without further adieu, I bring you Scars:
When I started this thing called healthy living, I gave myself the goal to lose 76 lbs. Now that I’m over ¾ of the way to my goal, I’m starting to think about how I want to celebrate this most awesome milestone in my life. I’ve thought about getting one of those industrial bars through my ear, you know, to show just how much of a bad ass I am. (Ha!) Or I thought about drawing up a new design and getting a new tattoo. Maybe I’ll save up and take a trip. Maybe I’ll do a couple of these things. My point here is that I knew that I was beginning a new life, I knew that I was going to lose weight, I knew that I was going to have to buy new clothes, I knew that I was going to do something to celebrate once I reached my goal. What I didn’t know or anticipate was that I would actually see the damage I did to my body by being so unhealthy.
Yep. I’m talking about scars. I heard Jillian Michaels talking about scars on her radio show once, and I thought I wonder how I will feel about them the closer I get to my goal. I mean, I have tons of scars. For whatever reason I scar easily. I guess I’m just lucky that way. Some of them I couldn’t tell you how they happened, and others, I remember the accidents quite vividly. (One may or may not involve running into a tree. Yeah, I know.) So, I wasn’t sure how I would feel about scars that come with gaining and losing weight. Now, I have those scars.
I have stretch mark scars where my skin is shrinking. I have them on my upper legs, my upper arms, my chest, and my stomach. Also, I’ve noticed that I have this little-I don’t even know what to call it, so let’s say, um, pouch? It’s located under my belly button.
Now, I know you moms are thinking what is she complaining for? Have a couple of kids, right? Well I promise you that complaining isn’t where I’m going with this. Just stick with me for a few more minutes. I know I can do things to reduce the looks for the scars (they’re honestly not THAT bad, but I can see them). And the little pouch? Well I know I can have it removed by some sort of modern day science if I choose. The fact is, I’m not sure I want to.
For now, I see these scars as a reminder of where I was, and where I don’t want to be any more. This has been a long and hard fought battle. And it’s a battle I’m sure I’ll sort of fight for the rest of my life, so I think I deserve to have a few scars. I have changed so much as a person. Not only on the outside, but the on the inside as well. I see the whole world differently, and I’m looking forward to exploring the world through these eyes. We all experience life differently. We’re all going to have scars of some sort, and we can choose to rid ourselves of these scars which is fine, or we can look at our scars as trophies. One day I may decided to get rid of my “trophies”, but for now, I’m keeping ‘em. Because you know, I never thought I would be strong enough to do something this difficult. I always saw myself as weak. Now I know that I’m not weak. I’m quite strong, in fact. And I have the scars to prove it.
June 25, 2009 By april
The biggest weight loss “wake-up” moment came during a family reunion in September 2007. Towards the end of the party, my aunt announced to practically everyone something like she and I would always be the fat ones in the family. I had never been so embarrassed or hurt or mad in my life.
At the time I weighed over 200 lbs. I didn’t realize I weighed that much. I thought I weighed in the 180′s. (Denial, denial, denial.) And I didn’t realize until I had seen the pictures of myself (after the announcement was made) how bad it really was. It was then, I knew that things had to change. (If you’re really interested, you can read more about it here.)
That was then.
And this is now:
Today, I got an email from my aunt. The same family reunion is taking place in two weeks. (We didn’t have it last year for some reason.) Usually, I inwardly groan at the thought of these things. I love seeing who all I’m related to, but there are so many strong personalities that I end up just sitting there. (Although, this year, I’ll be taking pictures!)
While reading that email, I had a different feeling. I couldn’t wait to make sure with my mom that we were going.
I can’t wait for the extended family to see me 62 or more lbs lighter. I can’t wait for the compliments and to talk to them about my new life. I can’t wait for them to see that now I’m more confident about myself. Because even though I still have a tiny bit to go, I have succeeded. I’m healthy! And I love it!
I know now that my aunt will probably be weepy or try to overshadow me with something. She seems to need to do that sometimes. Because she’s still significantly overweight. And very unhealthy. She knows that I have the tools to help her but until she comes to me, I can’t help her. You see, losing weight is something that YOU have to be ready for. I can tell her until I’m blue in the face that she needs to lose weight. That it is critical to her life that she changes her lifestyle, but until she’s ready to make that change, me telling her that will just leave her upset with me and me frustrated with her.
But I will not feel bad at this reunion for the compliments I will get. I deserve them. I have literally worked my ass off. (I suffer from noassatol syndrome, you know.) So, any compliment, questions, exclamations that I get, I deserve every.word. Because I’m a brand new person.