The Shrinking Jeans of Heather – 2/10 –

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August 11, 2010 By heather

I was very hopeful, getting on the scale this morning, but once again, my hopes were dashed. I don’t know why I felt like I’d have a loss…maybe I felt like I just deserved it after the week I’ve had.

Worst. Week. Ever.

I’ve been stressed, crying and angry all week (not the whole time, mind you, but more than I like). I don’t feel in control. For me, being out of control is probably one of the worst feelings in the world.

But I exercised. All week. I shredded four times (would have been more, but my tv was hijacked by houseguests), ran three times, and went to the gym once. I did the tworkout.

I tried to track food, but since I was up to my eyeballs taking care of other people, I didn’t track like I should. Honestly, I didn’t think I ate poorly at all. But then again, when I get stressed out, I am a total unconscious eater. I get upset and will find myself standing in front of the fridge, peering inside. I won’t remember making the decision to get something to eat, or even walking there. I’m not hungry. But something inside me is empty and needs filling, I guess.

So I don’t remember eating awfully, but I must have.

And I gained a pound.

Seriously, will the universe throw me a friggin’ bone? Cause I really could have used a loss today. It is very difficult to keep exercising and stay positive when the scale gives you the big middle finger nearly every week.

Okay, done with the negative. Got to move on.

I’m so sorry to have let down my team, but I’m determined to show a loss for this challenge.

Deep breath.

August 4, 2010 By heather

This is a short weigh in week, so I’m that much more excited (hmmm, that’s some nice grammar) that I’m down 1.2 pounds today!

Finally. FINALLY.

My eating has been better, but far from perfect. Monday night I got home from the gym at 10:30 pm and was RAVENOUS. Like crazy, ‘I’m going to hurt somebody I’m so hungry’ hungry. I ate, a lot, but it was weird, random stuff. Like half a personal watermelon, a slice of light swiss cheese, crackers and then I went all velociraptor on some leftover rotisserie chicken.

It was an UGLY eat. But at least it wasn’t a bunch of junk.

So I’m guessing the loss has to do with the double workouts I’ve been doing. My normal stuff – running, hitting the elliptical, weights – and then the 30 Day Shred.

And I probably drank half my weight in water yesterday.

I feel super good about this challenge. My motivation level is rising. I’m ready to drop this pesky extra weight.

Here’s to another kick ass week!

July 28, 2010 By heather

Last weeks loss, it’s back. Back up to 173.4.

Damn. And I actually felt lighter today. Boo hoo.

I thought I did things right. I’ve been sore from working out almost all week. But, if I really think about it, my eating hasn’t been so thoughtful. So I’m chalking it up to that and maybe I’m gaining muscle.

Looking forward to the start of Down & Dirty in 30 on Sunday! Are you?

July 23, 2010 By heather

Lame title, I know. But this week’s mini challenge was about self love, and boy, I need to love myself up something fierce these days!

And I do firmly believe that health, real health, is an entire package. Mind, body and soul. And sometimes, to get the mind going in the right direction, you’ve got to take evasive action on all those icky negative thoughts that come creeping in your mind (I’m not the only one who gets the ugly, self degrading thoughts, right?).

This is what I did this week to treat myself right:

1) I started seeing my trainer again. I can hardly walk today – he kicked my heinie last night with squats and lunges. Oh my. Hurts so good.

2) I have been taking better care of my nails. I usually neglect them terribly. It’s kind of nice looking down and seeing groomed fingernails.

3) Instead of my usual 5 minute or less, bare bones shower, I’ve been allowing myself more luxurious showers and even soaks in the tub. And stop the presses…I’ve shaved my legs twice this week. I know. Armageddon is nearing.

4) Dry skin is something I always have and always ignore. This week, I’ve slathered myself with cream after EVERY shower or bath. My skin is thanking me. So is my husband.

5) I’ve been mindful of what I’m eating this week in that I actually ask myself if I’m hungry or just looking to squash some other feelings. And if I discover I’m squashing, I ruminate on what I can do to make things better – besides eating a carton of ice cream.

6) The sun is out and instead of sitting inside or making myself clean the house, I go out and enjoy it. Cause it’s only here 1% of the year and I deserve some damn vitamin D. Speaking of, I’m going out, right now!

Hope everyone else is having some warm fuzzy moments with themselves!

July 21, 2010 By heather

This challenge, for me, was a great example of how not being there mentally is not conducive to weight loss.

If I was feeling super negative today, I’d say, in fact, this challenge, for me, was an epic fail.

However, I’m not feeling negative today. I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday, but I pulled on my big girl panties, went for a run and tried to be physical and productive all day long.

It did a world of good, seriously.  Physical activity, for me, is the one thing keeping me out of therapy and off meds some days. Endorphins are an amazing thing.

Another thing I’ve noticed? When I’m busy and moving all day, my KID is happier. Double bonus.

As I’m feeling moderately good today (I’m not going to lie and be all like I’M FANTASTIC! Cause I’m not. No biggie, can’t be super happy all the time. And that’s okay), I’m going to take this challenge at for what it really was, for me. An experience. An exercise in maintenance.

Why maintenance? Because I’m back to where I started (well almost – I’m at 170.6 instead of 170.4). I lost almost two pounds this week. And I’m thrilled with that. Why? I worked hard. I ran, I hit the gym, I did at home workouts. I sweated. I let myself be hungry. I was mindful of why I was eating.  And it worked. Finally.

I’m so looking forward to the next challenge. I want to go in full throttle. Eyes wide open. Ready to work, hard.

Who’s with me?

July 20, 2010 By heather

Last Friday, I got a phone call. From my trainer.

I hadn’t seen/heard from him since MAY 10. I’d left several messages at the gym for him. At one point I had his number, but it was on my old phone that was annihilated on around May 14.

So when he called me, I expected him to be all apologetic, but instead, he sounded like I had been avoiding him.

Really?

But I do need to see a trainer. And I do like him. He’s good. When I can get a hold of him. So I went and saw him yesterday.

The funniest part? When he was all surprised that I’m actually stronger since he last saw me. Because I HAVE BEEN WORKING OUT.

So there.

My confession? I was kind of terrified of going to the trainer yesterday. I thought I’d be so out of shape and he’d judge me.

But all I got was compliments.

This is good. This is a step in the right direction.

July 14, 2010 By heather

No, the attitude is not meant for you all! It’s me. I’m kicking rocks.

I haven’t been here for a few weeks cause I’m mad/ashamed/frustrated. I wasn’t sure what to say.

But I am here today. I got to thinking that the point of this whole thing, The Sisterhood, is to be HONEST. And sometimes honesty is ugly and I have to admit that I’m just in a funk.

So there it is.

I actually lost this week. But it was only .2 pounds and it hardly counteracts the weight I’ve gained since this challenge began. Actually, since the beginning of May, I’ve been pretty much steadily gaining. While everyone else in my life WASN’T eating, out of stress and grief, there I was right behind them, eating their leftovers (okay, not really, but you get what I’m saying).

It’s an understatement to say I’m not sure what to do right now. I didn’t work out as much as I should have this last week, but I did work out some. And the week before, when I had a gain of two pounds? I had worked out, HARD, five times. And, I logged my food. So seriously, frustrating.

I’m kind of in the mindset that I’m not going to even be back down to my starting weight for this challenge by the end of this challenge. I’ve decided for the final week of Shrink into Summer, I’m just going to work on getting into a better headspace. Cause I have a feeling I’m not going to get GOOD results till my head is good.

You know?

June 24, 2010 By heather

Over at the Thursday Three, Christie O. asked us to revisit our letter to self, written back in January. Um, that was an eon ago! Or at least it feels like it.

Anyhow, this is what I wrote:

January 1, 2011

Dear Heather,

You probably think it’s weird I’m writing you a letter. You may think you’re going crazy (okay, that might be partially true). But I really need to tell you some things.

Grab a cup of coffee (I see you looking at that pastry, hooker – hands off). Have a seat. Listen up.

First off, I just want to say that where you are right now? I’m so proud of you. Six months ago, I bet if someone told you you’d be able to run six miles straight, you would have laughed.

You would have laughed even harder if they’d told you that’s you’d complete a half marathon. But you will! Not only that, you will run the entire time. You will finish, with your Sisters, and it will be one of the most amazing experiences of your life. You will also have a great time after the race…just try to stay cool. I know, it’s hard. Make an effort, ok?

In May, you’re going to run your first 12 K, the Bloomsday race in Spokane. It will be a great barometer for how you’ll feel during the 1/2 marathon. And your family will be there cheering as you cross the finish line.

What else? Hmmm. This year, you will figure out your relationship with food. Or at least make a huge leap in understanding what makes you overeat, what influences your choices, good and bad. You’ll do much better at eating whole, healthy foods.

Oh yeah, by the way, and you’ll like this: you’ll reach your goal weight this year. And forget getting back into your prepregnancy jeans – you’re going a size smaller.

I want to you really listen here:  this year is going to be fantastic, but not without it’s challenges. Things are going to happen that you aren’t going to like. Remember this – you are in charge of yourself and your family.  Poor decisions made by others are out of your control.  You can accept them and move on, or you can get bitter.

You should move on. Being angry will only hold you back. Let it go, let it go, let it go. That is ONE of your mantras this year.

The other? Love yourself, treat your body and mind right, and you can do ANYTHING.

So, why are you still sitting there. Get up, throw on your shoes, and hit the road. You’re not going to get a 10 minute split by sitting on your tush!

xoxo,

Heather

P.S.  You really need to go out and buy better running pants, now. The whole yanking up the pants while running thing? Stupid. And really, really not cute. Get on that.

The next thing Christie asked (yes, she is SO demanding) is that we find three goals we accomplished from that letter. Well, I can for sure say that I realized ONE goal. I ran an entire half marathon.

Another thing? I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting people and their decisions that I don’t agree with. It is hard, and I still struggle with it, but I’ve gotten to a place where I realize that I 1) am not always right and 2) even if I am right, I can’t force my opinions/help/whatever on people who aren’t interested.

The rest? Still in progress. The race and training kind of consumed me and became a beast (albeit a GOOD beast) unto itself.

So, the goal weight? Not so much.

But I’m working on it.

And? We’re only halfway through the year.

So I think there’s still plenty of time to get down to business.

June 23, 2010 By heather

I’m really not surprised, and actually, it probably should have been worse.

This week, I’m up .4.

Blah.

So, this morning, I actually started tracking my food again. I feel more accountable, and have eaten very sensibly today. I hate hate hate food journaling, but it’s a necessary evil. I think if I can actually SEE how much I’m eating, I’ll be more likely to reel in the snacking.

I’m also going to drag out the Wii fire up EA Sports More Workouts. I’m thinking I may start up a six week challenge.

We still have a few more weeks left in this challenge and I’m determined to drop five pounds.

I can do it. I just need to focus and visualize fitting into my smaller jeans – maybe I’ll even hang them up next to my mirror…or the fridge!

June 22, 2010 By heather

I feel slug like. Sluggish? Nah, slug like. Unctuous and just oozing along.

I don’t know if it’s because I trained so hard for six months, obsessing over nutrition, mileage, injuries and the like, and now my brain has just shut off.

So, I figure that I need to just own up to what I’ve been getting up to (or not been getting up to) to possibly shame myself into getting back into a proper routine.

Here we go:

1) I’ve exercised two times total this week. Once in the gym, and one run. Both times I pushed myself. This is good.

2) However, after I exercise, I feel like I need to refuel. But I’m forgetting that I’m not REALLY training right now. And I need to stop eating like I am.

3) We went out to dinner on Saturday night. Seriously, that is a momentous occasion. We have a date night, like, maybe twice a year. So I ate like it was my last supper. At P.F. Changs. Most things were deep fried. And there was dessert. And pear mojitos (yes, plural).

4) Father’s Day started out great, but turned into a graze fest once I got to my sister-in-laws. Lamb, salmon, potato salad, brie and rosemary crackers, taco dip…ugh. Good but good lord! Really? What is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I forgot, strawberry shortcake. And wine. I mean it. What is wrong with me?

5) I know what I’m doing right now, food and exercise wise, is not good. At all. But I’m slipping back into ‘the diet starts tomorrow’ mode. I need motivation! I don’t want to beat up on myself, so I’m trying to stay positive, but it sucks to think that a few months ago I was only 10 pounds or so away from goal, and now I’m closer to 20. GAH.

Whew. Okay. I feel better, strangely. Now to make dinner. Fish and salad. Fish and salad. No wine. No wine.