Posted by crookedeyebrow on December 24, 2008
Feeling heavy with guilt after stepping on the scale this morning. Although I did really well this past weekend, it seems that I did not have the self control at work. There was Mexican take out, pizza, pop and well….you get the idea.
Each day I packed my lunch bag with a salad and each day that salad came home with me. I ignored every plan I had made for myself and have eaten everything I said I wouldn’t. All because it was “the holidays”. Not good. Not good at all…
So I have mentioned before that I am an emotional eater. I’ve tried to control it and on Monday I lost all control. You see I have fertility issues thanks to PCOS and it pains me deeply when I hear of other women’s pregnancies. It’s stupid and self whatever, but dammit it hurts. So on Monday I heard of yet another happy pregnancy and I lost it. LOST IT. Every time someone makes that joyful announcement I cry for hours. Each and everytime. It was an emotional break down that spun into me eating an entire package of fudge sticks. Yes, the entire package gone. With each tear and heavy sob, in went another yummy fudge stick.
Where does this leave me? GUILTY. Heavy with guilt because not only have I failed myself but I gained weight too. All because I had a moment of emotional weakness I am sitting here feeling awful. Losing weight is important to me. I want it more than anything right now. I want to feel good and look good. I just suppose that this week just wasn’t meant to be one of my stronger weeks.
In the weeks ahead I have this low moment to keep as a motivator for myself. A “heavy” reminder that I don’t want to feel out of control and guilty for being who I am (not to mention that I need to deal with the other emotional issues at hand).
There I feel a bit “lighter” after confessing now.