Is This a Set Up? – The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans LLC


Seriously. Ashton Kutcher, is that you? Is that tree really a tiny camera? I swear I’m on an episode of PUNK’D right now!

How in the hell did I end up with the Tuesday confessional post the weekend after Thanksgiving and the day after my birthday? This is so much like the time my friend left his cigarettes in my truck in the 10th grade. THEY REALLY WERE HIS!

I’ve been asked to keep these posts to around 500 words so you don’t get too bored when you read them, but I seriously don’t know if my last week of transgressions is going to fit  in this blog post. Even if it does the scroll wheel on your mouse is sure to be dead by the time you reach the bottom. Let’s just say, the last week was not good. And if by not good I mean utterly and horribly disgusting in the food department then yes, it was simply not good.

The funny part is that it wasn’t actually Thanksgiving dinner where I needed my wife’s maternity pouch pants. It was the three days afterward. I sat down to eat my Thanksgiving meal on Thursday and I tried a little bit of everything and ate until I was satisfied. I didn’t even need to unbutton anything. It was great.

Then there was pie!

Pie and I have always got along extremely well. It’s always kind of been a Romeo and Juliet type relationship though. Not that I’ve ever french kissed a pie (you can’t prove anything), but the relationship has always been pretty much poisonous. We love each other until we’re both ready to die. So Thursday there was a slice of banana cream, and a slice of pumpkin, and a slice of apple. All are 100% homemade from scratch so it actually wasn’t my fault according to the new Weight Watchers points system right?

Then there was my mother-in-law!

Bless this woman’s heart but in an attempt to include everybody, she holds her own Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday so there’s no conflicting family schedules. Turkey Trots Part Deux. She does this AFTER college football has been on all day long. How am I supposed to have a defense mechanism for rivalry week AND her amazing mashed potatoes? Is it even humanly possible? So Saturday was a giant FAIL in the nutrition department as well.

Then there was my birthday (The Trifecta!)

Sunday morning I was working on curing my tryptophan hangover by eating some Coaches Oats and knocking back a protein shake. My mom called me and asked me what I wanted for my birthday dinner. I really was feeling like garbage after my two previous days of eating so I told her steak and salad. Steak and salad became steak and salad and cheesy potatoes and parmesan cheese bread with a chocolate turtle ice cream cake roofie to officially put me down for the count. Oh, and I had two slice of that damn ice cream cake too.

By Sunday night I really was a mess. Indigestion that even TUMS had a hard time combating. I was sure I wouldn’t eat ever again. Luckily, the last 36 hours have been MUCH better. Clean eating for all of my meals and I’ve got some cardio in too. It was a chain reaction of disasters but I’m refocused and ready to work again!

I hope for your sake that this really was all just a set up and that I’ve officially been PUNK’D. If it’s not a set up and you do have a confession to share, go ahead and leave it in the comments.

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