I’m afraid that there is something that needs to be discussed. I need to be frank and this may make you uncomfortable, but it needs to put out there. Gym etiquette you guys, it is a thing. When you want to work out at home, do whatever you want I don’t care. When you are right next to me on the treadmill, let’s be considerate.
First off, when you want to find me at the gym I’m easy to spot. You want to look for the picture of perfection. Find the person who is decked out in Lululemon, with a face full of makeup, sporting $200 running shoes, and carrying her dainty Louis Vuitton. Immediately to her left you will find me. I’m the girl with dirty hair in a top knot and sporting workout gear exclusively from Target. My pants are customized with a hole in the left butt cheek and I’m hoping no one notices. I’m sweating profusely and playing the pretend drums on the handlebar of my elliptical. I can’t help it, my playlist is that good. I tend to have the woman who looks like a supermodel and is the living breathing version of Proverbs 31 on my right and a chronic farting person on my left.
I have no idea why farting is so prevalent at the gym, but it is. Maybe you have incorporated too many vegetables or fiber into your diet too quickly. It is one thing to inadvertently pass through a stranger’s fart cloud, but it is quite another to be sprinting on the treadmill gasping for breath and be FORCED TO BREATH IT IN THROUGH MY MOUTH. I don’t even know you and I feel we have reached a level of intimacy I was unprepared for. Seriously, this is not open for discussion or negotiation. No one likes to be around the person who farts all the time, not even those who love you. I can say that to you because we are now practically family due to your comfort level at releasing gaseous odors in my direction.
Speaking of smells, there is no need for any perfume or cologne new workout buddy. Save that for your Friday night date. Just repeat after me, wear deodorant not perfume. Normal hygiene is good; dousing yourself in Calvin Klein is not good. You are giving me a headache. I honestly think I would prefer the smell of a person who refuses deodorant than a person who doused themselves in perfume. Don’t make me choose though, I really would rather not.
I know you told me you only read books written by those who have earned a Pulitzer. I know you love wonderful literary classics such as “Jane Eyre” and “Price and Prejudice”. Thank you for sharing that with me, but I’m fairly certain you are trying to cover up the picture of Fabio on the cover of your trash lady novel while doing your cardio. Maybe you have gotten smart and are using a Kindle so that no one else will know that you are rereading “Twilight” for the 85th time due to your infatuation with Edward. I really don’t care what you are reading, just don’t do it ON the weight machines. Cardio machines are good for reading. Weight machines are not. Sitting at a weight machine reading a magazine is a definite no. You see, you are actually sharing that machine. By using it as your reading nook, you are being rude and inconsiderate to other gym goers. Reading is swell, just not where someone does bicep curls. Now that you know, stop it.
While you are catching up on your reading, let’s leave the camera and video off on our cell phones. Have you ever done something stupid? If you haven’t, I feel sorry for you because you have not lived. Doing new things or going outside of our comfort zone often leads to mistakes. I have not understood how a machine worked and used it incorrectly. I have been the girl at the pool with a nipple peeking out of a swimsuit. Do not video and upload someone’s stupidity or mistake to make fun of on the internet. Videotaping others without their permission is inviting karma into your life. Karma will pay you back with even more embarrassment or violence than you have dissed out. I realize that the guy lifting weights and making bedroom noises is hard not to notice. If you video him due to the loud moaning and he catches you, the opportunity to see ‘roid rage in person is now upon you. Enjoy that little nugget of awesomeness. If you would just listen to me you could avoid that situation. Video and picture mode turned off.
It really isn’t that hard you guys, thinking of others. Just remember to try to avoid releasing gas in public, never wear perfume, read only on cardio machines, and just videotape yourself (not others without their permission). Get it? I know you do. Now go torch some calories my friends!
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